Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Apeish Behavior


It's not about sex. Trump, Roy Moore, Bob Filner, Harvey Weinstein, Bill O'Reilly, Charlie Rose, none of their obscene behavior was about sex. If all they wanted was stranger sex there was an easier and cheaper alternative, pick up a hooker. It was all about dominance. Like unevolved apes, they were using sexual displays to exert power over others. Animalistic is the best description of their acts.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Heaven As Described By Evangelical Christians

Dying man couldn’t make up his mind which place to go to—both have their advantages, “heaven for climate, hell for company!” ~ Mark Twain
According to evangelicals Heaven is reserved only for those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord. They are cleansed of their sins and welcome beyond the pearly gates.

Headed for Heaven
Jeffery Dahmer was raised in a strict creationist household. He started by murdering the young men he had sex with then dismembering and eating them. He later progressed to kidnapping young boys, raping them before cutting them up and consuming them. He is held up by evangelicals as an example of God's saving grace. Dahmer is in Heaven.

Other serial killers with ticket to God include the Son of Sam (David Berkowitz), and Gary Ridgway the Green River Killer.


Roy Moore has preached hate his entire life and has been a sexual predator of teen girls. He is so Heaven bound that when he autographs a Bible it's the same as if Jesus signed it. Swindler harridans like Pat Robertson and Oral Roberts have frightened millions with threats of damnation into giving away their money.

Heaven might be pretty to look at but the neighbors are shit.

Better Class of People in Hell
Christians are insistent that there's is an exclusive club. While many liberal Christians say that Mohandas Gandhi has earned Heaven, evangelicals are emphatic that not only is the great Hindu saint of nonviolence in Hell, any Christians that disagree with that are going to Hell too.

All the good, decent non-Christians are headed for Hell which means most of the people worth hanging out with will be there while Heaven will be housing killers, thieves, and hateful holier than thou jerks.

I know where I'd rather be.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Proof Americans Are Getting Dumber

If you want proof of the dumbing down of America look no further than the Model T Ford.
The Model T was the common man's automobile from 1908 to 1927. Priced at just $300, inflation adjusted that would be $4200 today, you would be hard pressed to find a used 12 year-old Ford Taurus for a similar value. It was the car for every regular Joe. The thing is, it was harder to drive a Model T than flying a Boeing 747.

Starting the Car
1) Under the front fender set the chock, then turn the crank a quarter turn to prime the carburetor.
2) Get in the car and set the coil box switch to magneto, retard the timing, move the throttle stalk downwards just a bit to idle. Don't forget to put the car in the neutral that sets the rear brakes.
3) Get back out of the car and turn the crank WITH YOUR LEFT HAND. If you use your right hand, when the car starts and the crank kicks back it will break your arm.

Driving the Car
Now you are ready to drive.
There is no accelerator pedal. To make the car go forward you use the emergency brake that doubles as a clutch while setting the gas flow with the lever on the right side of the steering column and adjusting spark with the lever on the left side of the steering column while setting the speed clutch which is the leftward floor pedal.

To slow the car for a corner adjust the speed clutch (left) pedal to neutral, it's somewhere between high speed and low speed, while using the brake (right) pedal. It's probably a good idea to reduce the gas flow and retard the spark so you don't stall out. Don't forget to steer!

Damn, you're in a ditch.

Your grandparents drove these Tin Lizzies with as much skill as you drive your air conditioned SUV with cruise control, power steering, and a cup holder for your half soy latte.

Face it, your grandparents were a lot smarter than you. They had to be to drive that thing. If you tried to drive a Model T you'd piss yourself just pulling out of the driveway.

The Model T is absolute proof that Americans are getting dumber. Oh, and Henry Ford was an anti-Semitic racist.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Evangelicals and Child Brides

The dirty little secret of Christian evangelicals is the acceptance of older men creeping on young girls.
The biblical justification for this is Deuteronomy 22:28-29.
If a man meets a virgin who is not betrothed, and seizes her and lies with her, and they are found, then the man who lay with her shall give to the father of the young woman fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he has violated her.

There it is for horny fundamentalist men. God approves of rape as long as she is a virgin and you pay the father.

Among Old Testament evangelical Alabamans nothing Roy Moore has done is wrong. Child molestation is God approved. Hell, even the payment to the father and marriage parts would only apply if he had been discovered at the time. Or, as Moore's semi-literate lawyer put it, "Culturally speaking, obviously there's differences."

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Longest Movies Ever Made

Movie goers tend to dislike movies that run much over two hours, which is about as long as they can hold in the pee after drinking one of those huge concession stand drinks. That hasn't stopped some directors from making real bladder busters.

Logistics - Longest Movie Ever (5 weeks)
At 51,420 minutes, Logistics by Erika Magnusson and Daniel Andersson follows, in real time, in reverse order, the complete process of a pedometer from end sale, through shipping, back to its manufacturing in China. Much of the film is of a container ship sailing backwards across the oceans. Boredom Index 10 out of 10.

Empire - Longest Famous Movie (8 hours)
In 1964, Andy Worhol followed up his five hour snoozefest Sleep, showing a guy sleeping, with this film of the Empire State Building. That's it. A six and a half hour static shot of the top of the building shown in slow motion for a third of a day. Called an "influential cinematic work" by the Museum of Modern Art, it is listed as culturally significant by the Library of Congress. Boredom Index 10 out of 10.

Greed - Longest Famous Director Movie (8 hours)
Erich Von Stromheim's 1924 silent masterpiece. It tells the story of a woman who wins the lottery and becomes obsessed with money. She refuses to spend a penny forcing her and her husband to live in grinding poverty while she protects her horde. Her husband kills her for the money, flees to the desert where he ends up handcuffed to a corpse unable to reach either the money or water.

MGM executives were aghast at the length.  They cut the movie down to a still long for the time two hours and twenty minutes, butchering the story. The film flopped. Only eight people are known to have seen the now lost original film.

Silent film cameraman Karl Brown said in the 1980 TV documentary Hollywood that Stromheim developed an "insane desire to use his genius as a weapon." He would force studios to spend "millions and more millions until he had a beautiful monstrosity that is worthless except as a curiosity piece." He would prove his genius and have his vengeance against the world.

Lord of the Rings - Longest Great Movie (11 hours, 21 minutes)
Peter Jackson's magnus opus made almost $3 billion worldwide, garnered 17 Academy Awards and spawned another magnus, The Hobbit, that earned an additional $3 billion. There is nothing I can add except that Jackson outdid Stromheim by three hours and pulled it off to boot.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Republicans Define Christianity: Roy Moore Edition

Suffer little children and forbid them not, to come unto me ~ Matthew 19:14
Bible Belt Republicans are the dictionary definition of holier than thou. They claim to speak for God Himself on all things political. The revelation that Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore used his power and reputation as an assistant DA in 1979 to abused a 14 year-old child, and other girls as well, has led his supporters to a rousing defense of the godliness of child molestation.

State Auditor Jim Ziegler famously said the assault was neither immoral nor illegal (by Alabama law it was a felony) because the Virgin Mary was the same age when she became pregnant with Jesus.
Or, to put it most irreverently, because God knocked up a fourteen year-old, it is an act of faith for Moore to fondle a girl the same age. *Footnote here, the Bible never states Mary's age, only that she was a virgin living at home at the time of impregnation. Fourteen is a common guess but some pedophilic Christians claim Mary was a prepubescent twelve year-old.
I have no doubt that the "good Christians" of Alabama will, in their faith, joyfully vote a pedo into the US Senate because he is a God fearing bigot.

Thursday, November 09, 2017

Rats In the News

If you expand your vision there are many species of rats.

Mob Rat (Rattus Offeret)
Known by their habit of squealing when cornered. Robert Mueller is trying to live capture these animals. George Papadopoulos is one famous mob rat, Carter Page will probably be another.

Sewer Rat (Rattus Bannonus)
Found frequently and most comfortably wallowing in shit. Sewer rats hate anything good, decent, and kind. It is said that even Satan vomits at the sight of Steve Bannon. Most commonly found in rural, poor, uneducated white communities where they are attracted by the sight of Confederate flags, the smell of gun oil, and the blood of innocents. Sewer rats consider treason a noble profession.

Scaredy Rat (Rattus Naufragio)
Naufragio is Latin for shipwreck. The number of Republicans in Congress abandoning ship and skedaddling home is growing by the week. These rats know when a ship is sinking and get while the getting is good.

Trump Rat (Rattus Pirata)
A subspecies of the Sewer Rat, these rats love to clamor aboard sinking ships and take them over. They don't actually do anything when they are in charge, they just run around and shit on everything. The appearance of a horde of Trump rats is always a harbinger of disaster. Considered the dumbest rat species, although Trump rats will tell you they have the bigliest brains ever.

Roof Rat (Rattus Rattus)
I had these little bastards first raiding my bird feeders and then invade my attic. You don't know creepy until you've had to listen to those furry fuckers scurry around overhead every night. I've started mixing my seed with a habanero chili solution that does not bother birds but chases away mammals. As for my attic, I hired a company, Attic Construction, great guys, to rat proof my attic. The first night I heard the rats gnawing at the new steel screens over my attic vents, it sounded like someone filing jail cell bars. After that, blessed silence.

Getting rid of rats is a glorious feeling we should all try.

Personal Note: Yes, I took a month off. I had run out of things to write about. While Trump is enraging, he is such a simpleton it takes no effort to figure out what he's up to. He's incredibly boring. I needed time to regenerate my creative juices.